Questions and answers with Kyleigh Gavin Leddy, author of The Perfect Other: A Memoir of My Sister
By Claire Yoo
We had the privilege to interview Kyleigh Leddy, author of The Perfect Other: A Memoir of My Sister, about her experiences of loving someone with schizophrenia. The book details the changes in her relationship with her sister, from looking up to her “perfect older sister” to having to bear the burden, shame, and guilt of her sister’s mental health crisis.
Here are the highlights from our conversation:
In your own words, how would you describe the book?
First of all, the book is really about the story of sisterhood–that love and bond that is so unique. But it’s also a story about loss and trauma. Topics of mental health and the systemic issues about mental health crises, as well as neuroscience, are all a part of the book as well. There’s a lot to unpack, but I think of it mostly as being about sisterhood, grief, and mental health.
What does this book mean to you?
For me, I think it means a lot to be able to talk about the stigma. It’s very scary being so vulnerable on a large scale, but it meant a lot to me to be able to talk about my sister’s life and give it a legacy after her passing. I hope people walk away from the book with an understanding of who she was as a person and a love for her, separate from her mental health crisis that is the center of the book.
Why was it important to you to tell your experience with your sister?
Sisterhood is such a special relationship, and I am a younger sibling through and through, who spent most of my life looking up to my sister who is six years older than me. I always watched her hit milestones before me, and I would try to copy her clothing, style, and everything she did. But, then to watch that person I idolized so much become unrecognizable and different was an important story that I wanted to express. My book holds a different narrative than the usual one in terms of what is discussed with mental health–either the perspective is overly scientific or from the point of view of the person experiencing the illness. As a sister, I had so much love for my sister but not so much agency to try to control everything about her.
What do you hope the readers gain from this book?
I hope people walk away with a better understanding of mental illness. My hope is that I can help destigmatize mental illness; I hope that people can start to look at people on the streets, experiencing homelessness, and strangers with more empathy. I also want to aid in simply starting the conversation–I spent a lot of my life not talking about this at all until I started writing. There is really no reason that these issues should not be discussed openly, and there should be no shame in speaking out about a neurological condition.
How has your experience with your sister impacted the relationships you have in your life now, if at all?
I have so much more empathy for all the younger siblings out there. I can sense that need for approval, and I feel myself drawn to the role of an older sister in other ways. Also, my empathy for people who are struggling has increased; I had never confided in anyone when I was a child going through my experience with my sister, so I try to approach people with the awareness that you are unaware of what someone else may be going through.
Is there something about your sister that you wish more people knew about?
She was extremely funny, outgoing, and the life of the party. As I talk about in the book, some of the symptoms that were part of the problem were part of her personality as well–so, the traits that made her so vibrant and alive contributed to her mental illness issues. For me, a lot of my inner conflict was around trying to separate the person from the illness, and I had to try to understand my sister and what she was experiencing with a degree of separation of the two ideas.
Do you have any advice for people who have loved ones with schizophrenia?
Psychoeducation is incredibly important and can help both you and the person who is experiencing the illness, but I also want to emphasize trying to get yourself in individual therapy. Make sure you are solid, stable, and cared for. It is difficult to focus on self-care in the midst of chaos, but it will help you help your loved ones.
It must have been incredibly challenging to write about such a difficult time in your life. What was that process like?
I have always wanted to be a writer, but I never pursued it because it is very hard to make it in writing. It was incredibly rewarding to publish a book, especially because I got to write about my sister, who knew about my dreams of wanting to be a writer and was supportive when she was alive–in a way, it was a spiritual and emotional experience that made me feel more connected to her. If I felt like she did not want me to do this, I couldn’t have written the book, but I felt her support behind me.
What has the reaction to your book been like? Is it in line with your expectations?
It has definitely been interesting–it’s strange being so vulnerable on a large scale, especially having strangers other than my family and friends reading my book. A lot of people have reached out to me after reading and shared their own experiences, which has definitely been the most impactful for me. At the same time, I try not to spend a lot of time reading reviews, since it can get to be overwhelming. In short, I quite honestly don’t know if I’ll ever write a book this vulnerable again, but it has been very scary and at the same time, very rewarding.
Do you have any advice for young aspiring writers or even just people looking to write about difficult times in their lives as a way to find comfort?
If you genuinely love writing and reading, you have what you need! It may be stepping out of your comfort zone, but just submit to websites and take those chances. I would have never submitted to the Modern Love contest if not for my professor, and it was the second thing I had ever submitted in my life writing-wise. You just need one yes, so don’t be discouraged when people say writing is difficult–everything good is hard.
Your book is about your sister, but it is also your experience. Is there anything about you that you want people to know about you?
I feel like sometimes, the word “memoir” has a negative connotation that I try to push back against. I am 25, so a lot of people think I don’t have a lot of life experiences. While this is probably true, this is definitely a book about me: my experiences, emotions, and feelings going through this life-changing time. But this is a part of me, not all of me; people read my book and think they know me, but there is also a whole other side of me that is adventurous, funny, and lively. To me, my book is about how to help other people who love someone with a severe mental illness, and it is not as self-serving as people think. I want to use myself as an example to decrease stigma in my own way, by expressing levity while dealing with a serious subject in a public space.