Personally Speaking: Life with Anosognosia
By Ashley Huebsch
Of all the symptoms or treatments that have greatly impacted my life, anosognosia is by far the most devastating. It’s different than denial. Denial is what my family had when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia when I was around 18. Anosognosia made me believe that I wasn’t sick. It made me think that I did not need treatment.
Because of anosognosia, my mental illness was left untreated, which had a huge impact on my life. I was sex trafficked. I was addicted to meth. I went to prison. I ruined many relationships. My family and friends tried desperately for years to get me to take medication or get treatment at free clinics, but I fought against treatment because I lacked insight. In my mind I was not sick.
I have been on approximately 50 psych holds, all of which have had to be heavily coerced or forced because of my anosognosia. I have had to be tied down to beds. I would try to hit or kick the staff at the hospitals while also verbally abusing them. The staff tried to treat my symptoms, but there is only so much that can be accomplished on a 72-hour hold.
After almost 50 psych holds and unsuccessful treatments, I ended up in prison. I was arrested for violating my probation in Florida when I had gone missing for three months after my sentencing for aggerated battery with a deadly weapon. I was placed in a women’s penitentiary. My probation officer thought it was a mental health and drug problem. She recommended drug court and that I be ordered to take my medication. However, because of anosognosia, I told the judge that I didn’t have schizophrenia. I even signed plea agreement stating that I had never been in a mental hospital. All of this was false, but to me, because of the anosognosia, it was the truth.
I was arrested again when I was 28 for attacking a police officer cop. I was declared incompetent to stand trial and luckily, a judge agreed to release me to my older sister and brother-in-law. My family brought me to California from Florida where I was able to receive treatment through an assisted outpatient treatment program (AOT). This move was a turning point for me.
I now have full insight to my disease. I can name my symptoms and their impact on my life. I can adhere to my treatment plan with some prompting. I never dreamed there would one day be relief from the screams, visions and feelings caused by my mental illness.
Looking back on the years of struggling with mental illness and anosognosia has been difficult. Since getting control of my mental illness, I have learned some very harsh truths. My symptoms were much worse than I could have imagined, especially the anosognosia and hallucinations. I believed in my delusions as much I believe the sky is blue. The brother that I thought was helping me and traveling with me was only a combination of hallucinations and a fixed delusion.
My untreated symptoms led me to the criminal justice system and eventually prison. I would have never committed the crimes I did if I had insight and treatment. Anosognosia made it difficult to get help. The doctors and judges and police and even my family never had all the information needed to get me help because I didn’t understand that I was sick.
In hindsight, everyone who I fought against because I thought I didn’t need help only wanted the best for me. They understood that once I could get effective treatment I wouldn’t suffer inside my own head or in society.
Ashley Huebsch lives a quiet life in California surrounded by family and friends.