(May 30, 2013) I am a laughingstock to some people in this town.
I have bipolar disorder. Between the years of 1988 and 2006 (ages 26 to 44), I popped up manic in the streets of Buffalo six times. The episodes would last about six months, then I’d fall into the inevitable depression and disappear.
I wasn’t constantly “crazy.” Many people I interacted with never knew I was manic. I was able to function, albeit in a dysfunctional way. One symptom of mania is explosive irritation. I had moments of volatility. I was mean at times. I made enemies. I had some nutty ideas, and word spread. However, as it was with me during manias, most of the time I was kind and generous and appeared “normal.”
Once, I spent the night at the Erie County Holding Center for criminal mischief. Twice, little neighborly disputes escalated into harassment (on my part) and the police were called. I talked my way out of being arrested. Two of the officers knew I was bipolar. I tell practically everyone this when I’m manic, but when I’m normal it’s harder to reveal because of the stigma, ignorance and fear surrounding psychiatric disorders.
I gave the impression that I had it all under control. I really do think that. I couldn’t see that having the police called on me was a hint that all is not well. Normally, I’m a law-abiding citizen.
Once, I went to my primary care physician while manic. She recognized it and ran from the room. I never saw her again.
Once, I was working as a secretary. My boss, who is a doctor, knew I was bipolar, but when I started exhibiting symptoms she thought I was showing my “true colors.” It never occurred to her that I was sick. She fired me.
The reasons I wasn’t properly medicated or hospitalized during manias for such a long time are complicated. Ultimately, it’s my fault that I didn’t make sure proper steps were taken when I became manic. I swear I tried. Over the years, I went to multiple doctors and took copious amounts of pills. Lithium didn’t work for me, nor did other pills. Thank God, in 2007, I finally found the combination of drugs that keep me stable. Unfortunately, they weren’t invented until I was in my 40s.